Small Town Religion and Tire Sales
It
is Saturday morning and I’m in Salem shopping for a new set of tires
for my truck. I’m just shopping for tires mind you; I’m not planning
on being Saved. In fact, being Saved is the farthest thing from my
mind.I pull into a locally owned place on McArthur Street. The sign reads "Jim’s Tires – For All Your Tire and Tire Service Needs". At least I think the sign says Jim’s Tires; I seem to remember the place being called DeWayne’s Tires but maybe ole DeWayne retired and sold the business to Jim. I’m not often in this part of town.
My old tires aren’t even near being bald; they just won’t hold air for any length of time.
Dry rot I tell Jim as he measures the tread depth. And Jim, wanting the sale and wanting to be known as an honest Christian, tells me that that isn’t unusual, even for relatively safe looking tires; tires with plenty of tread on them. Jim says the government and the tire industry reached agreement several years ago that tires older than six years should be considered unsafe, unsafe at any speed. And to ensure their timely replacement the tire lobby convinced Congress to add a chemical to the tire’s compound that accelerates dry rot. Jim says the tire industry is only trying to improve tire safety, although he doesn’t mind the increase in sales volume.
Jim asks me what size I want. P235/75/R15, I tell him, black walls, please.
After Jim’s mechanic puts my truck on the lift Jim tells me he is also an ordained minister. He says he is 70 years old now and can’t understand how anyone our age can be in a state of not being Saved. He pauses but I don’t respond; Jim’s price, including mounting and balancing, is very good so I just wait for him to continue.
Jim says he has never heard Bill Gates declare his Christianity and how he thinks that is sad. “It’s good that he gives away his worldly fortune, but to die without having been Saved would indeed be sorrowful,” Jim says.
That’s when I'm tempted to tell Jim the truth; I'm tempted to tell Jim I'm Jewish. But since there are no Synagogues in Salem I think better of it and tell him I am Catholic figuring that that might save me from being Saved. I am certain that one small lie won’t damn me to Hell for all eternity and who knows maybe Gehenom isn’t all that bad, maybe it’s just a steam bath for the soul. After all, all I want is four tires and Jim has offered me such a deal.
This revelation, however, doesn’t faze Jim in the least. He continues right on by telling me that he personally knows the local Catholic priest. And his wife. He even tells me their names and asks if I know them. I pretend to be examining various tread patterns and polished chrome rims, letting Jim continue. Jim says how terrible it is that Muslims are instructed by the Koran to kill all non-Muslims. They kill infidels Jim says, just for being infidels.
When Jim sees my furrowed brow he says he would never consider killing me just because I am Catholic. I attempt to lighten the conversation; I tell Jim that if he did I probably wouldn’t buy my tires from him anymore.
That’s when I am saved.
Jim’s young tire mechanic comes into the office, says my truck is ready and hands me the keys. I thank the mechanic, pay for my tires, and exit Jim’s Tabernacle and Tire Company as quickly as possible, thinking that the Road to Hell in Salem must surely be strewn with bald tires, leaky valve stems, and married Catholic priests.
It’s been three years now and the tires are holding up just fine. But since I drive the truck less than 2000 miles a year I’m beginning to wonder about Jim’s take on the Tire Lobby and its 6-year agreement with the Feds. Government induced dry rot, is that an oxymoron??
